Learn to Speak the Language of Love

Is love a mystery? Not really. If you’re in a relationship, or planning to be in one, one of the best things you can do is learn to be a better communicator. Below are some quick tips on how to bring even more love into your life.

Silver and Red Hearts

Determine your love language by taking the 5 Love Languages Test by Dr. Gary Chapman. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

If you don’t want to take this test online, there is an option to download the .pdf file.

You will find which of the 5 Love Languages are important to you and your partner, then learn to focus on giving each other what you need. This include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Maybe your partner wants you to vacuum the floor more than they want you to rub their feet. Find out!

Define Enough: How much time should be spent to fulfill your partner’s love language needs? That’s something you need to agree on. Discuss how much time each person requires to have their wants fulfilled. Maybe a 5 minute conversation is good for you and going the movies is the perfect gift for your partner. Being in love doesn’t have to take a lot of time if you communicate.

Use Equal Language: We aren’t a parent or boss when we are with our partner. We are their equal. Do you hear yourself saying “You ought to…” or “You should…” or “You need to…”  when speaking to your partner? These are dominant phrases taking a superior position to your loved one. Rephrase and use the following:

“It would mean a lot to me.”                                                               “How do you feel about…”                                                                    “What do you think about…”

Being partners means being respectful to each other.

Be an Honest Communicator. What if you’re with your partner and you pass a Starbucks? You think “I sure would like a coffee!” Do you get angry if your partner doesn’t read your mind and to get you what you want?

Do you say things like “That new movie (insert name) sounds great!” and are disappointed when your partner doesn’t take you to see it?

If you’re not saying what you want, it’s you who are contributing to the issue. Try “Let’s go into that Starbucks. I’d like a cup of coffee!” or “Let’s go see (name of movie) when you have time.” Your partner will know what you want because you told them.

Go 24 hours without criticizing anyone or anything. This is difficult, especially in California where there are so many idiot drivers. 🙂 By staying in the positive, you will be surprised how your relationships change for the better. Here’s the hard part: Start your 24 hours over if you slip up and keep trying. It can take weeks before you make it 24 hours, but you will be surprised by the positive feelings you have and the difference it makes in your relationships.

Don’t hold in what’s bothering you. If your partner is doing something that’s bothering you, don’t put up with it in silence. This only leads to more issues. Instead, try say this: “I have something that’s bothering me. When is a good time to talk about it?”

You let your partner decide when they are available to talk, so they will be more available.

Don’t criticize your partner in front of other people. Go to a quiet place where just the two of you can talk.  Stay in control of your feelings because crying, screaming and shouting isn’t productive. If you can’t contain your emotions, do it another time. Also, focus on the specifics of what’s bothering you, and don’t let it devolve into dredging up everything your partner ever did wrong.

Start the conversation on a positive note: “I love you, I care about you but….(problem)” Ask them what they can do to change the problem. Have an open dialogue.

If you work on being an honest and loving communicator, your relationships will flourish!

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